


I'll Catch You

by Malfoy_Lupin



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 23:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8943496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malfoy_Lupin/pseuds/Malfoy_Lupin
Summary: He has to remind himself every morning that he isn’t dreaming. It’s been months, but even so, every morning when he’s gently pulled from unconsciousness and feels that arm around his waist, there’s a few long moments where he’s afraid to open his eyes, afraid his entire world would shatter the moment he did so. Without opening his eyes, he reaches for the hand pressed against his stomach, holding onto it firmly before he allows his eyes to open.
Poe still isn't quite used to having Ben back as Ben, but he knows he'll fight like hell not to lose him again.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [darktenshi17](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=darktenshi17).



> This is for the Darkpilot Secret Santa 2016, for darktenshi17! Hope you enjoy! It was a pleasure to write!

He has to remind himself every morning that he isn’t dreaming. It’s been months, but even so, every morning when he’s gently pulled from unconsciousness and feels that arm around his waist, there’s a few long moments where he’s afraid to open his eyes, afraid his entire world would shatter the moment he did so. Without opening his eyes, he reaches for the hand pressed against his stomach, holding onto it firmly before he allows his eyes to open. 

Ben’s still there when he turns around. He’s completely passed out; his cheek is buried in the pillow, jaw slack. In moments like these Poe can almost forget about anything that happened. It feels like Ben never actually left. As though he’d never lost him and never had to fight to get him back. 

It’s early. The sunlight streaming in through the transparent curtains is still weak, though gains strength with each minute that passes. Poe closes his eyes, shifting to snuggle up closer to Ben. The movement causes Ben to stir. He gives a groan and opens his eyes. He squints. 

“Why are you up so early?”

“I’m not. Not technically. My eyes are closed.” A sleepy chuckle responds. 

“Good. Cause it’s way too early.” 

“It is.” Poe mumbles now. There’s something about waking up in the early morning and not needing to be up, something about it that makes it easier to fall back asleep. It’s cozier, somehow. The blankets are softer, the mattress enveloping his hips, side, arms. Ben shifts beside him, and Poe reaches out blindly for his hand. Their fingers find the spaces and close on each other, safe and firm and assuring. 

***

The first moment that Poe got Ben back is something that replays in his mind all the time. It isn’t the only event that replays in his mind, takes over his vision when he’s in meetings, supposed to be paying attention, but it is one of them. The moment that he stumbled off of the ship, still dressed as Kylo Ren, when Poe couldn’t keep his position in the line of people attending the arrival, when he stepped forward, then ran forward, until they met in the middle and Ben collapsed in his arms, it’s the moment Poe felt relief for the first time in years. 

His tension, pent up in his shoulders since Ben left, releases, and he nearly collapses, too. He catches himself, though. He needs to be strong. He’d buried all this pain for years, now is not the time to show it. He’d find a moment later to deal with it. 

Ben’s taken away from him too quickly. Guards pull them apart, and two of them take Ben to General Organa’s office. It’s too soon for Poe. He can still feel the weight of Ben’s body in his arms, the warmth his body is always radiating, but now he’s empty, yearning for the touch again, like he has been the last several years. 

***

It takes time, but he gets him again. It’s when people finally trust Ben enough to consider him “Ben” again, and to allow him to be on his own around the base. He no longer needs a chaperone 24/7. Poe finds him wandering around by the hangar. Poe’s working on his ship, fueling it, checking on the engine, running tests. Movement out of the corner of his eye is what causes him to look up. Ben shifts, maybe trying to find a shadow to hide in, but there aren’t many of those here. This isn’t his old ship. Ben glances down, his hands twisting together. It’s like he’s embarrassed. Poe doesn’t think he should be. He’s back. That’s all that matters. 

He jumps down from the X-Wing, and crosses the room to him, throwing his arms out. They fall into each other, Poe stumbling a little bit. They don’t say anything for a long minute. The first sound that comes out is from Ben, and it’s a whimper. 

“It’s okay,” Poe whispers to him. “I forgive you.” He means it, but he what he doesn’t know is how much it means to Ben. 

***

The first night they spend together is bizarre. Poe can’t quite wrap his mind around the concept that this was the same man who’d left him, abandoned him, captured him, and…well, Poe tries not to think about the other stuff. When Ben curls up in his bed, tucks the duvet up against his chin, and whispers goodnight, the difference between the current and former is so stark that Poe is convinced they are two separate people. They carry themselves differently, one is all power, this one is vulnerable and loving and so, so scared to lose himself. 

Poe can’t even sleep. He just lays there and watches him, trying to spot any similarities. Any evidence that the past was real and not just a made up dream. The scar on Ben’s cheek is glaringly obvious, but sometimes not enough for Poe. He has to reach out and touch it, making sure he isn’t dreaming. It’s rough and raised, looking angry, and Ben’s eyes flick open at once. He flinches away before pausing, realizing where he is, and shifting back. 

“Please, don’t…” His voice is a whisper, pleading. 

“I’m sorry.” Poe tucks his hand under his pillow as proof. 

“I wish it would go away, but I know I deserve it being permanent. All the damage I’ve done.” He isn’t really speaking to Poe, and Poe knows this, but he listens anyway. He wonders if Ben has ever spoken these words aloud before, and if anyone has been around to listen. 

“You’re back. That’s all that matters now,” Poe says when a silence falls. Ben’s gaze turns up to him, and it is so full of agony that Poe’s heart cracks all over again.  
“It isn’t enough. You know that. Everyone gives me a second look when I walk by, when I walk into a room they double check I don’t have a weapon. They turn their backs when having important conversations. Even my own mother. _They don’t trust me._ Any more than I trust myself.” His voice doesn’t betray him, but Poe can feel the weight of his emotions crushing into his stomach. He’s in pieces, and Poe isn’t sure if he can put them all back together. 

“You’re here now,” he says again. “That’s important. That means something.”

Ben doesn’t answer. He rolls over, buries his face in the pillow. Poe shifts closer, wrapping an arm around him. Maybe in time, he’ll figure out what to do. 

***

Slowly, very slowly, but surely, Ben learns to smile again. It’s a flash. Easy to miss if you blink, but it’s there. BB8 is rolling around the room, beeping out a conversation to Ben, who’s fully committed to responding as he tugs on a sweater and shuts the window. Poe’s in the bathroom shaving. It’s normal for them to be like this now. In each other’s company, unapologetically living their lives. BB8 gives a series of loud beeps and bumps into Ben’s leg, a nudge. And it’s there. A flash of white, an actual lifting of facial muscles. Poe happens to glance over just in time to catch it. The entire room seems to brighten. There’s an entire energy shift. 

Even though it fades a moment later, the change stays, the weight crushing those strong shoulders lifts just a little. He pats BB8 on the head and steps by him. “I know, I know,” he answers the droid, perching on the edge of the bed. 

It returns again another night, nearly months later. They’re up late talking—something that’s become a habit now. Most of the time, they wake up in their own rooms, meet up first thing, and spend all day together until they part at night. They half sit-half lay on Poe’s bed, side by side. The empty mugs sit on the side tables, the only light in the room from the ceiling lamp just above them. 

“You know, when I first saw you…in the village, I was hoping you didn’t have anything. That you’d be useless and I could let you go.” Ben stares at his hands as he speaks. Poe can’t help but remember how he’d stopped his blast in midair with them. “I thought you’d ruin it for me. That I wouldn’t be strong enough if you did have something. That I’d screw up everything I built.” He pauses. “But I was strong enough, and I don’t know if that’s better or worse. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I—”

“Ben, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! I need you to stop saying that. It’s not okay and I don’t think it ever will be, but I’m _trying_ , Poe. I’m trying to make it right. I want it to be right. I know it can’t be the same, but I want it to be different than it is right now. I want that part of me to be in the past. For good. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being paranoid that I’m going to lose myself all over again. I know they won’t spare me a second time. It took a lot of convincing to get them to agree this time.”

“You’re not going to lose yourself.” Poe’s tone is certain. He shifts onto his side. “I won’t let you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I know what to look for now. After everything, I don’t even care what you did to me, because I knew you were in there somewhere. I knew Ren wasn’t you. I still do. I fought hard to get you back, and hell if I ever let you slip away again.”

“Why do you trust me so much?”

“Do you remember that time we climbed trees in the backyard? I was really stupid, the height didn’t bother me so I just kept climbing and climbing to the top until I realized I didn’t really have a way back down. I tried, but that branch snapped and I was left hanging. You told me you’d catch me. I trusted you then, and you caught me.”

It flashes again, staying a moment longer this time. “That’s a stupid reason, Poe.”

“I know, but it hasn’t let me down yet.”

“If you say so.” Ben reaches out to rest his palm on Poe’s cheek. “I should have just talked to you about what was going on. Maybe everything would have been different.”

“Stop thinking about what you would have done, and start doing what you think you should do now.”

Ben watches Poe, eyes grazing from his hair to his chin, down his throat to that notch in his chest. His breath hitches and he moves before he can convince himself otherwise. His lips find Poe’s, who responds immediately, and the last of the wall breaks down. He shifts, rolling over Poe, whose hands find his waist, and he feels like a teen again, when they first did this in the backyard one afternoon while their parents were away. It’s comforting and calming and _right_ and Ben can even forgive himself for a minute. Love is either there or it isn’t, and he knows right now it’s here, and even he deserves to embrace it.  
They wake up with their arms around each other, unmoving for the first few hours. They’re afraid to let go, afraid of what’ll happen when they’re no longer in this safe space, happily undisturbed. 

Ben starts, carefully detangling himself from Poe, and Poe follows suit. They wait when they’re disconnected, waiting for something to happen. Something to change the peace they found. Nothing does. And so Ben smiles. A huge, wide grin, leans over to kiss Poe, and hops up to shower and change. 

***

“Why are you up so early?”

“I’m not. Not technically. My eyes are closed.”

“Good. Cause it’s way too early.”

“It is.”

Poe’s eyes flutter open for the second time. This time he’s alone. The pillow and sheets beside him are messed and wrinkly. He sits up, looking around. It’s silent. Poe frowns. 

“Ben?” No answer. “Ben…?” Footsteps follow and Ben enters the room, holding a mug, the steam slowly rising from the top. 

“Morning.” He gives Poe a smile, handing over the mug, and leans in to kiss his cheek. “Sleep okay?”

“Yeah.” The tension in his shoulders eases as he cradles the cup in his hands. He raises the mug to his mouth and takes a sip, the bittersweet liquid already working to wake him up fully. “Thanks.” 

Ben flops down on his back beside Poe, and Poe suddenly feels silly. Of course Ben is here. The day he left gets farther and farther away with each passing hour, minute. He isn’t going anywhere anymore. He finishes the drink and sets it aside, laying down beside Ben. 

“Wanna come help me in hangar today?”

Ben turns to him and smiles. It’s free and simple and genuine, and it causes a different type of pain in Poe’s chest; a good ache, one that makes him grin in return. “Of course. Breakfast first, though. No more skipping it!” He pokes Poe and rolls over to him and steals another kiss. “Meet you in the kitchen.” He’s gone again, but Poe doesn’t let him get away with it for long. He hops up and runs after him, like he always said he would.


End file.
